It’s been awhile, huh?
It really is a struggle, trying to get back to writing after a long absence. The words just don’t come easily anymore. And my thoughts are practically a jumble of untranslatable mess inside my head. But recent life happenings have prompt my interest in casual writing once again, thus this update.
If you’re somehow familiar with this site in its earlier days – or you just happen to be me from the future narcissistically checking this site to re-read your own past thoughts – chances are you’ll notice all of the old posts are gone. It’s a deliberate decision from my part due to several reasons. One of them is simply because it is embarrassing to look back on your past thoughts. This isn’t me getting older and wiser – because I am still the same immature, emotional twat with narcissistic streak a mile wide and anger management issues.
It’s just with time, you’re able to look at yourself from the outside. And the more I look, the more I hate my past entries. They’re all so… pretentious. I remember trying so hard to be cool when I wrote those pieces in order to impressed my peers, and myself. And it just didn’t work on so many levels. I wrote nothing of substance, I impressed no one and ended up hating the writing process. Instead of a casual, reflective and therapeutic experience that I intended it to be, writing became burdensome. Just another part of myself that longed for people’s validation. So after awhile I just stopped. Keeping up pretense is tiresome, after all.
And yet, here I am. Starting over. Though why doing it now is something I do not know myself. I guess it just feels right, and there’s the fact that I need this now, more than ever. Writing has always been my preferred method on venting for so long. And in the midst of uncertain times like these, it’s such a comfort to fall back to familiar things.
And this time, no more pretentiously trying to be the next Dee or Sapardi. Unlike any other piece from other people, there won’t be inspiring, beautifully written thoughts from a promising, bright young mind here. (Not that there was ever post like that in the first place.) Instead, I’ll just write whatever the fuck comes to mind – bad grammar, profanity, and all. Like a prepubescent teenager in their locked diary, it’s filled with immature, slightly embarrassing outbursts, random thoughts and brain farts. Except in this case, the diary is really an online site. And the lock is practically nonexistent because the site is accessible to the public.
Oh, come now. I’m human, living in the world of Millennials and social media. It is in my nature to overshare and seek attention. Or more accurately, the illusion of attention, since I doubt anyone but me will read this entry anyway. And that’s okay, because this time I’m doing it for myself.
So, hello again. Me, you.